Author Profiles

PUBLIUS

Publius was born in Toronto, Ontario during the dying days of disco to a family of iterant trapeze artists. After a brief stint as a child musician in The Parachute Club the young Publius attended a variety of public schools in Metropolitan Toronto. During this time he acquired a fierce dislike of both formal education and the Ministry of Education itself. After leaving school at the age of 12 he worked a variety of odd jobs, among them delivering pizzas and performing small engine repairs in a mechanic’s shop on Coxwell Ave. At night he taught himself political science, classics, history, and Austrian and neo-classical economic theory. 

At the age of nineteen, on the advice of his career counselor, Lady Shauna, one of the leading Tarot Card Readers in the Junction District, Publius enrolled at the University of Toronto. After contemplating, and then rejecting, majors in engineering, physics, tapestry and library sciences he enrolled in a double major in History and Economics with a minor in Commerce and Finance. Finding himself, inexplicably, unemployed after graduation the enterprising Publius started a series of business ventures that were subsequently found to be in violation of both Criminal Code Statues 13.1 and 13.4, as well as the British North America Act (1867). 

Later on, through shrewd speculation in both Bre-X and Nortel stocks, Publius was able to acquire a substantial fortune and currently lives off the interest. While not exactly a “conservative” in his intellectual perspective, or life style, Publius has always been an enthusiastic supporter of right of center political parties at both the federal and provincial levels. The only exception to this was a momentary lapse of judgment in 1988 when he supported the Liberal Party during the famous Free Trade election of that year. This was due to a misunderstanding of the terms of the FTA deal, particularly as regards the arbitration mechanism for textile and softwood lumber disputes.

His autobiography, I Am Publius: Confessions of a Canadian Blogger, was published in 2003 and was awarded the Governor General’s prize for Best Non-Aboriginal Southern European Ethnic Narrative and Short Story. He currently resides somewhere in the Greater Toronto Area with his wife and cat. They have two children. 

 

BRUTUS

Born on the snowy, red-tinged steppes of mother Russia, Brutus had to fight for survival from the very first. Wolves, only slightly less ravenous than party apparatchiks, had to be bribed with vodka every step of the two kilometres back to St. Petersburg. Once there, Brutus stood in line, under various despicable weather conditions, for six years until he turned six and was going to be relegated to the “adolescent” line, at which point Communism lost its lustre (it was not bolted in too tightly), and he left for sunnier shores.    

When Brutus arrived in Israel, he found himself beset with the Mediterranean, loud Arabic music, inhuman temperatures and small rabbis with giant scissors. Thoroughly intent on dying while serving in an army in which he was not forced to serve, Brutus left again for the sunny beaches at Montreal. When he arrived he realized that he had made three mistakes. Firstly, he was in Toronto, not Montreal, further, the beaches were contaminated and far from sunny, and finally he realized that the flag was essentially Soviet with a superimposed festive cookie cutter on a breadboard. Later he would find out that this motif represented the vibrant history of the nation in its role as breadbasket for old mother Russia.

Having acquired better English language skills than many of the natives from the plane stewardess, Brutus skipped ahead many grades, and landed in the local Criminal Training Centre (cleverly disguised as a public high school). Whilst there, he would seriously considered a career in tyranny, pillage, plunder, the fire, the sword and so forth, until he realized that to move up in ranks he would have to either beat Jean Chretien in hand to hand combat or relocate to Africa, and the dream was promptly abandoned.

Upon receiving his primary education diploma, Brutus stealthily penetrated the sacred sanctum known as University of Toronto, where he remains ever since, raiding the nests of squirrels for edibles and sleeping on park benches covered in old syllabi from HIS109. While there, he would meet Publius, and they would instantly decide that they could not stand the sight of each other, and would only communicate through email or squirrel. The blog was formed after the squirrels went on strike and unionized to form the “Squirrels, Lap Dancers and Laundromat Attendants CUPE 220”. 

In recent years, Brutus pretends that he lives somewhere in downtown Toronto, with a variety of cats, dogs, children, girlfriends, & c.